Gum and a Ring and a Simple Truth for Greedy Hearts (Like Mine)

I turned 48 last week. At this point in our lives, we have 4 adult children: 3 who live independently and 1 in college who spends summers and school breaks at home. That leaves 4 kids at home full-time, and means an inconsistent showing of our kids at family meals and other special events, like my 48th birthday dinner.

For this little birthday celebration, we had 4 of our 8 kids present plus one French house guest. Lately, we've housed several French guests because God put them in our path years ago and the relationships continue to grow. 

This ring, though, is what I need to tell you about, because our Mighty Joe—the brain-damaged 10-year-old—wrapped it up in a piece of black construction paper adorned with his own artwork of a train done in white crayon, and presented it to me after dinner. 

After I dramatically declared my love for the tiny heart with the faux red ruby, Joe needed to let me know how he came by it as my birthday present. 

"Daddy gave me a quarter. I wanted to buy gum but then I saw the ring and bought that for you instead."

Be still my heart.

"If Daddy had given me two quarters, I could have bought you the ring and the gum."

Well, there it is. Honesty. Out of the mouths of babes and all that.

But I often treat God this way, knowing that he's given me a gift to give to someone else, only to turn and wish he'd given me something I obviously wanted from him instead, or in addition to. I'm happy to give to others, but most of the time I think I'd be happier if I got to keep something for myself, as well. I mean, if I'm being as honest as Mighty Joe was the night he gave me the ring with the tiny heart. 

And again, this is why I need Jesus. It's the theme of my life. I wish I could tell you my heart is purer than that, but the truth is, without the perfect heart of the Savior standing in my place, it's just about as valuable as a ring bought for a quarter out of the machine in the grocery store. 

What made that ring valuable was the giver. What makes my own heart and your own heart so is the giver. And his gifts are always, always, always the best. 

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What If I Can't Find My Calling in Life?

What if you can't find your calling in life? What if it seems as if everyone else has a goal, a plan, and a direction, but you just feel as if you're floundering? And what's a "calling", anyway?

I'm way beyond my 20's and wondering what the trajectory of my life might be (hello, 8 children!), but I now have the majority of those kids in that stage of talking through, wondering about, and praying over their calling. Their purpose. What the heck they're supposed to be doing with the rest of their lives.

I triple love my adult kids. They are the most fun stage of parenting so far! 

Within a typical week, I have texted and/or talked to every one of my adult kids at some point, and on every topic from cultural memes to theology to finances (read: They need money.) I love technology.

This one came to me from our 18-year-old at a university in Southern California one morning in April, and I loved her honest questions and the ensuing discussion:

I was thinking, "What happened to asking why the sky is blue?". Phew, huh? But these deeper discussions are why I am so loving these young adult kids. And the part about understanding her better than google? Oh gosh. Insert the heart-eyed emoji here because this is the girl who told me when she left home that if she ever needed to know how to do something, she could just look up a tutorial online. Kinda crushed my mama heart, TBH.

How to Know What Your Calling Is

We have to tread carefully into this topic because no one can lead you to this path other than God. Yes, he uses people in our lives and circumstances, but he really is the only one who can give us peace and certainty about what he has for us. In short, I can't tell you what your calling is. No one else should venture there, either. Turn off the voices that are so sure they know what you should be doing with your life. Listen to the voices that point you back to God.

What Every Calling Boils Down To

Every calling, every life's purpose, every dream and goal and desire and life plan boils down to two things:

Love God.

Love people.

Both can be unimpressive. Both are usually extremely untidy. Both can be discouraging at times. Both are often hidden from the applause of the world. 

Both bring peace and joy and actual, authentic fulfillment, but not if we're constantly looking for our calling to be extraordinary.

The Truth About Most People's Callings (and Most People Is Probably You)

We should all be following what God has for us, but the truth is, most of us are called to the mundane: going to work, feeding our children, getting up each day and doing the same thing over and over. . .

In short, callings can be certain from God, but they are rarely flashy and exciting. Usually, we're called to do the hard thing. The unselfish thing. The sacrificial thing.

Sometimes the calling is to homeschool kids for two decades and then last week have the 6th grader announce he wants to be homeschooled through high school, which means your mundane homeschooling calling that started with great trepidation in 1997 won't be finished until 2025. (That's me, if you hadn't guessed.)

When Your "Calling" Gets Ripped Out From Underneath You

This is where the whole thing gets dicey. 

When we are sure about that thing we are supposed to be doing, that career we're supposed to pursue, that "best life now" that we know we should be living and it all gets ripped out from underneath us, it can be a whopping blow. I can name a hundred women who watched their callings sink to the bottom of the sea as they suddenly found themselves with an extremely needy baby, an unexpected loss of income, a debilitating illness, and any number of other detours.

A road block like that doesn't necessarily mean your life is over. I wrote about having everything but not all at the same time in this post: Yes, Young Woman, You Can Have It All. Sometimes our callings are just put on hold and the new calling takes over for a time.

And sometimes, we learn that God had that thing for us temporarily, or that he really didn't have it for us at all. 

Come to Terms With Your Calling

I don't want to kill your dreams. That's not what this post has been about. In fact, the role I have most adored over the past 25 years has been that of cheerleader. If you need someone to brainstorm and help you chart a path to your dreams, I'm your girl.

But as you're praying through what God might have for your life, I want you to consider one crucial question:

Am I adding something to Jesus?

Are you? It's a trap, and one every single follower of Jesus falls into regularly. None of us is immune. It's the classic case of an idolatrous heart that believes the lie that we can be greater than if only we have Jesus plus {fill in the blank}. 

As you consider that your calling is simply an outflow of two things (loving God and loving people), ask yourself if you're adding to it a hope to be something more because it feeds your ego or pride or simply makes you believe you'll ultimately have some sort of fulfillment through that career that really, only God can supply.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

— Deuteronomy 31:8

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Yes, Young Woman, You Can Have it All

I recently posted the following on Facebook:

“A concerned word for moms with very little children: I did not nurse babies, corral toddlers, teach homeschool, write books, travel and speak, work, get my hair and nails done, keep up with trends, Joanna Gaines my house, and do ministry all at the same time. Neither can you. Slow down. Life isn’t a Pinterest board. #rest #thatsourcalling”

I'd been thinking about a few young moms I know and wishing I could bend their ear for a moment, but the truth is, many of us in our 20's and 30's don't want to hear from the women who've gone before us. And then I really wasn't prepared for the overwhelmingly positive response, where so many of you were in agreement with my original statement. It's made me ponder the impact of such a post, especially when Cutzi commented,

“ I can’t stop thinking about this post...I mean, that you even have to say it. We are making ourselves sick and stressed and joyless. And in the end, probably completely unfulfilled and ineffective. ”

Yes, why does it need to be said? Where is all the unnecessary pressure coming from?

There isn't one source that overwhelmingly affects each of us in the same way, but I do think there are some aspects to our western (largely American) culture that factor into this mothering treadmill mentality.

1. Advertising

Here's what it's boiled down to: Company needs to sell a product or service. Company recognizes that they need to create a market. Company makes us believe we need what they're selling.

But we don't. Beyond food, water, shelter, and clothes, we don't need what they're selling. We just want it all. I have to remind myself of this way more often than I want to admit.

2. Cultural Norms

I once took my daughters to hear Condoleeza Rice speak at an event geared toward young women. It was excellent, but the overwhelming message repeated on a continual loop that day by Ms. Rice and the panel of professional and ministerial women who accompanied her, was that education is our hope.

Education is an excellent tool, but it is not our hope. It gives us options and may change our course, but it is a lousy thing to put our hope in.

And yet, a higher education is shouted at us relentlessly, and many of us begin to gauge our worth by whether or not we have a college education, a master's degree, a doctorate, and from where those degrees were earned. It isn't enough to "just" be a mom. You must have more, do more, and be more. 

At least, that's the cultural norm around here.

3. The Lust, the Flesh, the Eyes, the Pride

Back (waaay back) when I was in high school, the better Christian bands weren't in the mainstream. Amongst that short list was a band called The 77's, and they sang a song called "The Lust, The Flesh, The Eyes, and the Pride of Life". They wrote their lyrics based on 1 John 2:16, which reads,  

“For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world.”

BAM. There it is, swinging us right back to #1. What we want and what we need are two different things, and I think young women fall prey to the wants in a way that drains them dry and makes life exponentially more difficult.

One of the best things said at that event where Condoleeza Rice spoke was when one of the panelists, a circuit court judge and mother of two, was asked, "Can a woman in today's world have it all [both career and hands-on parenting]?" Her reply was dripping pure wisdom. She looked up into the enormous crowd filling the arena and said straight into her mic, "Yes, a woman can have it all. She just can't have it all at the same time."

In any stage of life, from student to young mother to mid-life, to older woman, the great challenge is to figure out what the needs are and what the wants are. They'll change as we enter new seasons and as our circumstances shake up. If we don't learn to be satisfied with where we are and recognize the beauty in each season, we'll never, never find ourselves fulfilled in any other.

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