What If I Can't Find My Calling in Life?

What if you can't find your calling in life? What if it seems as if everyone else has a goal, a plan, and a direction, but you just feel as if you're floundering? And what's a "calling", anyway?

I'm way beyond my 20's and wondering what the trajectory of my life might be (hello, 8 children!), but I now have the majority of those kids in that stage of talking through, wondering about, and praying over their calling. Their purpose. What the heck they're supposed to be doing with the rest of their lives.

I triple love my adult kids. They are the most fun stage of parenting so far! 

Within a typical week, I have texted and/or talked to every one of my adult kids at some point, and on every topic from cultural memes to theology to finances (read: They need money.) I love technology.

This one came to me from our 18-year-old at a university in Southern California one morning in April, and I loved her honest questions and the ensuing discussion:

I was thinking, "What happened to asking why the sky is blue?". Phew, huh? But these deeper discussions are why I am so loving these young adult kids. And the part about understanding her better than google? Oh gosh. Insert the heart-eyed emoji here because this is the girl who told me when she left home that if she ever needed to know how to do something, she could just look up a tutorial online. Kinda crushed my mama heart, TBH.

How to Know What Your Calling Is

We have to tread carefully into this topic because no one can lead you to this path other than God. Yes, he uses people in our lives and circumstances, but he really is the only one who can give us peace and certainty about what he has for us. In short, I can't tell you what your calling is. No one else should venture there, either. Turn off the voices that are so sure they know what you should be doing with your life. Listen to the voices that point you back to God.

What Every Calling Boils Down To

Every calling, every life's purpose, every dream and goal and desire and life plan boils down to two things:

Love God.

Love people.

Both can be unimpressive. Both are usually extremely untidy. Both can be discouraging at times. Both are often hidden from the applause of the world. 

Both bring peace and joy and actual, authentic fulfillment, but not if we're constantly looking for our calling to be extraordinary.

The Truth About Most People's Callings (and Most People Is Probably You)

We should all be following what God has for us, but the truth is, most of us are called to the mundane: going to work, feeding our children, getting up each day and doing the same thing over and over. . .

In short, callings can be certain from God, but they are rarely flashy and exciting. Usually, we're called to do the hard thing. The unselfish thing. The sacrificial thing.

Sometimes the calling is to homeschool kids for two decades and then last week have the 6th grader announce he wants to be homeschooled through high school, which means your mundane homeschooling calling that started with great trepidation in 1997 won't be finished until 2025. (That's me, if you hadn't guessed.)

When Your "Calling" Gets Ripped Out From Underneath You

This is where the whole thing gets dicey. 

When we are sure about that thing we are supposed to be doing, that career we're supposed to pursue, that "best life now" that we know we should be living and it all gets ripped out from underneath us, it can be a whopping blow. I can name a hundred women who watched their callings sink to the bottom of the sea as they suddenly found themselves with an extremely needy baby, an unexpected loss of income, a debilitating illness, and any number of other detours.

A road block like that doesn't necessarily mean your life is over. I wrote about having everything but not all at the same time in this post: Yes, Young Woman, You Can Have It All. Sometimes our callings are just put on hold and the new calling takes over for a time.

And sometimes, we learn that God had that thing for us temporarily, or that he really didn't have it for us at all. 

Come to Terms With Your Calling

I don't want to kill your dreams. That's not what this post has been about. In fact, the role I have most adored over the past 25 years has been that of cheerleader. If you need someone to brainstorm and help you chart a path to your dreams, I'm your girl.

But as you're praying through what God might have for your life, I want you to consider one crucial question:

Am I adding something to Jesus?

Are you? It's a trap, and one every single follower of Jesus falls into regularly. None of us is immune. It's the classic case of an idolatrous heart that believes the lie that we can be greater than if only we have Jesus plus {fill in the blank}. 

As you consider that your calling is simply an outflow of two things (loving God and loving people), ask yourself if you're adding to it a hope to be something more because it feeds your ego or pride or simply makes you believe you'll ultimately have some sort of fulfillment through that career that really, only God can supply.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

— Deuteronomy 31:8

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Yes, Young Woman, You Can Have it All

I recently posted the following on Facebook:

“A concerned word for moms with very little children: I did not nurse babies, corral toddlers, teach homeschool, write books, travel and speak, work, get my hair and nails done, keep up with trends, Joanna Gaines my house, and do ministry all at the same time. Neither can you. Slow down. Life isn’t a Pinterest board. #rest #thatsourcalling”

I'd been thinking about a few young moms I know and wishing I could bend their ear for a moment, but the truth is, many of us in our 20's and 30's don't want to hear from the women who've gone before us. And then I really wasn't prepared for the overwhelmingly positive response, where so many of you were in agreement with my original statement. It's made me ponder the impact of such a post, especially when Cutzi commented,

“ I can’t stop thinking about this post...I mean, that you even have to say it. We are making ourselves sick and stressed and joyless. And in the end, probably completely unfulfilled and ineffective. ”

Yes, why does it need to be said? Where is all the unnecessary pressure coming from?

There isn't one source that overwhelmingly affects each of us in the same way, but I do think there are some aspects to our western (largely American) culture that factor into this mothering treadmill mentality.

1. Advertising

Here's what it's boiled down to: Company needs to sell a product or service. Company recognizes that they need to create a market. Company makes us believe we need what they're selling.

But we don't. Beyond food, water, shelter, and clothes, we don't need what they're selling. We just want it all. I have to remind myself of this way more often than I want to admit.

2. Cultural Norms

I once took my daughters to hear Condoleeza Rice speak at an event geared toward young women. It was excellent, but the overwhelming message repeated on a continual loop that day by Ms. Rice and the panel of professional and ministerial women who accompanied her, was that education is our hope.

Education is an excellent tool, but it is not our hope. It gives us options and may change our course, but it is a lousy thing to put our hope in.

And yet, a higher education is shouted at us relentlessly, and many of us begin to gauge our worth by whether or not we have a college education, a master's degree, a doctorate, and from where those degrees were earned. It isn't enough to "just" be a mom. You must have more, do more, and be more. 

At least, that's the cultural norm around here.

3. The Lust, the Flesh, the Eyes, the Pride

Back (waaay back) when I was in high school, the better Christian bands weren't in the mainstream. Amongst that short list was a band called The 77's, and they sang a song called "The Lust, The Flesh, The Eyes, and the Pride of Life". They wrote their lyrics based on 1 John 2:16, which reads,  

“For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world.”

BAM. There it is, swinging us right back to #1. What we want and what we need are two different things, and I think young women fall prey to the wants in a way that drains them dry and makes life exponentially more difficult.

One of the best things said at that event where Condoleeza Rice spoke was when one of the panelists, a circuit court judge and mother of two, was asked, "Can a woman in today's world have it all [both career and hands-on parenting]?" Her reply was dripping pure wisdom. She looked up into the enormous crowd filling the arena and said straight into her mic, "Yes, a woman can have it all. She just can't have it all at the same time."

In any stage of life, from student to young mother to mid-life, to older woman, the great challenge is to figure out what the needs are and what the wants are. They'll change as we enter new seasons and as our circumstances shake up. If we don't learn to be satisfied with where we are and recognize the beauty in each season, we'll never, never find ourselves fulfilled in any other.

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When Friends Leave You Out or Let You Down

People are (almost) always worth the risk.

If you've been consistently hurt in relationships, suffer from social anxiety, or are the type of introvert who is left flattened by an overabundance of conversation, it might be difficult for you to see it that way, but stick with me for just a bit. 

When I was in the 4th grade, I had a friend named Kristi. We did all the typical 4th-grade-girl things, from sleepovers to Barbie birthday parties to walking to 7-11 for Slurpees. The first time I ever saw the TV show Dallas, I was lying on my stomach in front of her television set on gold carpeting, chin propped on my arms, wishing I could make my hair as big as Victoria Principal's. It was 1980, after all, and we were already beginning to turn our noses up at the smooth, straight hair of the '70's. 

There was nothing to indicate that our relationship might be heading toward a break-up, but I remember clearly the first month of 5th grade, when a new girl showed up in our class. She, too, was a Kristi (again, it was the '80's), and the two Kristis became fast friends. Without me. 

While that relationship fail happened over 30 years ago, I still remember a couple of things:

1. As I said, I didn't see it coming.

2. When the two Kristis became friends, they paired off together entirely, and their pairing didn't include me.

3. It stung so badly, it's the first memory I have of lying face down on my childhood family room sofa and crying hot tears into the upholstery.

4. My mom, in her signature "suck it up, Buttercup" parenting style, rubbed my back, wiped my tears, and calmly stated, "Well, it's time to find new friends."

5th grade dawned differently than I expected, but sure enough, I found myself a new little circle of friends and life moved on.

Five Septembers later I found myself in the cafeteria of a large public high school, population 2,500, navigating lunch tray, backpack, and braces. More than ever before, having a close circle of friends was essential, but I hadn't spent even a moment of my summer vacation worrying about that; I had good friends and high school was going to be great.

Two weeks into the fall semester, it became painfully obvious that my trusty small circle had moved on, and they weren't going to include me. Once again, there was nothing to indicate that our relationship might be heading toward a break-up, but here I found myself in the same position that was my 5th grade lot, this time a little older and a little wiser, this time perhaps not so prone to messy crying all over my mom, but just as painful and deep a sting. 

Freshman year of high school can be one of the worst times to find oneself friendless — no one wants to be that girl who has no one to sit with at lunch. You can get through classes pretty easily, but the lunch hour comes around and it's clear you are on your own. I'm not a social superstar. I had to readjust. 

I'm not sure that the stories I'm telling you aren't entirely about my own failures as a human — maybe I'm just that big of a dork or a totally mean person unworthy of relationships or super needy or I had inexcusable B.O. But several years ago, I found myself virtually friendless all over again. Two relationships fell apart, two close friends moved, one friend went back to work and wasn't available and our friendship gradually faded. 

The difference this time, as an adult woman, was that I knew I had already tread that ground once (twice) before. I was lonely and I had to readjust, but I'd walked this path previously and knew that despite the pain of rejection and the ache of loss, people were worth the risk.

People are (almost) always worth the risk.

What might you lose if you take that risk?

1. Your expectations might not be met. 

2. The person you risk a relationship with might end up walking away, moving, or dying. 

3. You'll certainly feel loss in tangible ways, like not having someone to go to the movies with or to text your daily frustrations and triumphs to.

Like the arc that is the human life, friendships often follow that grand story we see in the Bible itself:

• Relationships are created
• In time (sometimes decades) there can be a fall, or a loss of some sort
• There is often something of a redemption, even if it's not directly related to said relationship
• Reconciliation eventually happens, even if not with the friend with whom the relationship began

No matter what, always keep your eye on the fact that God is ultimately about that reconciliation. In his tender care of our hearts, he delights in seeing his redemptive work in our lives. It most certainly does not always look the way we think it should, but it is always born out of his great love for us.

What you must remember when a friend leaves you or lets you down:

1. As Christians, we live and breathe for an audience of one. It doesn't matter what others think about us; truth is, none of us is perfect and we all let people down at some point. What matters is that the God of the universe, the one who created the heavens and the earth, created you in his image and he loves and values you, no matter what. Think on that: No matter what. 

2. People are not God. When we place a relationship with a human on par with our relationship with Jesus Christ, we will always be disappointed. Adjust your expectations to people-level. People stink. Jesus is perfect. 

3. Tell yourself the truth. If you've spent any time reading my stuff or hearing me speak, you know I say this pretty much all the time. Tell yourself the truth. What's the truth? Jesus is sufficient in every relationship or void.

Occasionally, there will be that friendship that needs to end. This is where the (almost) comes in. If you are being abused, manipulated, used, or treated unkindly, it's absolutely okay to call it quits. As a faithful friend reminded me recently, we love people by creating appropriate boundaries when necessary.

Why are people (almost) always worth the risk? Why does knowing the truth that they most certainly will, at some point, leave us out or let us down matter? Because in all of our relationships, our weaknesses and frailties as humans ultimately point us to our need for a savior, and the knowledge of that need then points us to a savior. If your savior is the God who made you, Jesus Christ, you will be healed and loved like never before.

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