Summer of 2022 News

Hi!

If you’ve read my stuff since way back in the Preschoolers and Peace days, you know it’s relatively quiet on this site. Back then, I wrote and published three times per week, and over here, I’m clocking in at about three times per year.

If you’re somewhat new to my writing over here, I hope three times per year suits you just fine.

Still, I do feel I owe you all some sort of an update on where I’m writing, what I’m writing, where I’m speaking, and what my family is up to. Some of you feel you know all of us because you’ve been here for so long, and I love that!

Writing

Aside from my copious career of three blog posts per year, I’m also sharing my articles with Key Life Ministries and publications that ask me from time to time. Go take a look at the other authors at Key Life — you’ll be encouraged.

Is it time for another book? Perhaps. But I have a firm belief that I should only be writing what God asks me to write, and currently, that’s something else entirely (see “School”).

Speaking

Yes! I still do speak wherever I’m asked. I wrapped up 25 years of homeschooling this year, but I did just speak at a small homeschool gathering last month and will always have a heart to encourage those of you who are still in the trenches. Homeschooling is hard.

My husband and I recently spoke for a week of family camp at Sandy Cove Ministries in Maryland, and we were overwhelmed with gratitude to be back there again. Have you been to Sandy Cove? Go. The leadership team is driven by grace and justice and mercy. For 75 years, the motto of Sandy Cove Ministries has been “Jesus Never Fails.” Amen.

School

I’m back in school! Since I graduated with my BA a million years ago (okay, just 30), I’ve wanted to pursue a Master’s degree. But 30 years changes a lot of things, and my desire for an MA in music has become a desire for an MA in literature. I’ve been studying online through Oxford University, and I’ll be applying for grad programs this fall. Wish me luck!

Instead of articles and books, I’ve been writing essays. Lots and lots of essays.

Teaching

And all of this brings me to the fact that I’ve also been teaching literature and writing online through Outschool. I adore this job! My students are from all over the world and they bring rich perspectives and ideas to our discussions. If you have a student in your home, I’d love to have them join us. You can find all of my Outschool classes here.

My goal is to continue to teach online, wherever that is in the future. Come see me on Instagram @kendrafletcherteaches

Our Family

There are a lot of us, so here’s a quick rundown:

Hayden is 29 and does all of the digital content and marketing for a music school in the Bay Area.

Nate is 27 and married to Jayne. They live about 10 minutes from us, which is super fun since they have our two grandbabies and one on the way!

Jack is 25 and works in a restaurant in Portland, OR. We wish he’d move closer but we also envy the beauty of his location.

Abby is 23 and working on her teaching credential. She has a biology degree and will be teaching high school biology. God bless her.

Caroline is 21 and is working as the scheduler for Fletch’s practice. She’s studying philosophy and also working part-time for the local opera company.

Annesley (Lola or Lalo, depending on who’s saying it) is 18 and studying early childhood development, but she’s seriously considering culinary school.

Christian is 15 and creates music every day. He loves to skateboard around town and is really digging being an uncle.

Joe is 14, but due to his brain injury, is developmentally about 6. We could write volumes about this kid, so feel free to ask if you’re curious. Yes, he still adores Peppa Pig.

Fletch and I just celebrated 31 years of marriage and we still really like each other. You guys, I’m in love!

Thank you for continuing to hang out here. My mission, so to speak, has never really changed: Help people get free from crappy religious behavior and learn to just simply follow Jesus. Lots of people these days call that deconstruction, but I don’t care what it’s called as long as it’s all about Jesus.

Need help leaving legalism? I’m still here to do that, too.

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When Suffering Comes Blow by Blow by Blow (and How to Help)

This post was written a few months ago and has appeared on the New Growth Press blog as well as Key Life.

“Some people just seem to get a larger dose of suffering.” Ashley was sitting in the passenger seat as we drove away from a day in the city taking in a Frida Khalo exhibit, a little giddy about our brief reprieve from pandemic lockdowns. She was raised by an addict, one whose addiction would take her away from my friend just as she hit adulthood. Ashley has had plenty of her own suffering, much of it borne from a childhood of harshness and abandonment.

Later that evening I thought about what she said, weighing and measuring my own life. Unlike Ashley, my childhood was marked by happiness. Of course there was conflict, but there was also plenty of support and opportunity, and we never worried about a meal or who would drive us to baseball practice. The first half of my marriage was like that, too.

I couldn’t feel the suffering of others because I hadn’t really experienced it myself. God has given empaths that ability, but that was not me. I was blissfully unaware and honestly, I didn’t care. Easier to stick my head in the sand of my privilege.

And yet, “Some people seem to get a larger dose of suffering” could be the byline for the last decade-plus of our lives here:

-Our 7-week-old contracted a virus and lives with permanent brain damage

-I ran over our 5-year-old in our driveway. She survived but lives with debilitating anxiety

-Our 8-year-old’s appendix ruptured, sent her into septic shock, and landed her in the ICU for three weeks

-Our adult son saw his engagement blow up days before the wedding, marking a psychotic break that led to his bipolar diagnosis and adjusting to a life of mental health struggles

-We made what we believed was a wise and compassionate decision, but it was misunderstood by family and friends alike, starting panic attacks for me and uncharacteristic depression for my husband

-My husband was diagnosed with a nasal tumor that was precariously attached to his cribriform plate, between brain and nose. Surgery and post-care become our norm. As of this writing, the tumor is once again present, and surgery is once again scheduled

-Another adult son complained of a migraine, only to become unresponsive. He was diagnosed in the ER with a brain tumor that ruptured and required emergency surgery. He then contracted meningitis and was quarantined

-This week, my beloved brother has lost his five-year battle with cancer

It’s a lot.

After nearly two years of a pandemic that has thrown all of our lives into an agitated dither, many of us are suffering blow by blow by blow. How are we to face it? What can we do to allow Christ to work in us as we manage the day-to-day living that life continues to require of us, even in the midst of circumstances that threaten to knock us flat? I can offer a few things to consider:

1. There is no wrong way to do this. Take a bath or don’t. Turn off the TV or don’t. Make space in your life to say no to what you don’t need and yes to what you do.
2. Remember that rarely do others understand what you need. Show them grace.
3. People also don’t know what to say. Show them grace.
4. Sometimes showing people grace means asking them to give you space. 

You can also recognize that what you are experiencing is suffering. Go ahead and name it so. Tell God how blindsided/stunned/frustrated/angry/devastated you are, because we cannot act as if he doesn’t already know. If we are at all familiar with the Bible, we have to admit that Christ came for the suffering and to suffer himself on our behalf. It is this suffering life to which we are called, but we cannot embrace its grace until we recognize that the Bible, Christ’s life, and ours in discipleship is a life called to pain and brokenness. God triumphs, though. This earth isn’t heaven.

Remember what I wrote earlier about not being able to feel the suffering of others because I hadn’t experienced suffering myself? You might be able to relate to that. It’s okay. We won’t always know what to say or do to help, but we can certainly grieve with those who grieve. 

Do you find yourself unsure of what to do or say? How can you help someone who is suffering blow by blow by blow?

-Be gentle.
-Offer a listening ear.
-Send a note of encouragement.
-Send a meal.
-Don’t expect them to do what you think they should.
-Allow them to deal with their suffering in the way that is best for them, and only intervene if you sense danger.

The beautiful truth about suffering is that when we are experiencing the shattering of our expectations, God meets us right in the midst of every bit of it. The Bible has much to say about our troubles and tribulations, but it does not leave us stranded there. We have the hope of the living God who lovingly lets us know, “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” 1 Peter 5:10, CSB

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When the Church Can't Meet Your Needs

Let’s not talk about what a difficult year this has been. Instead, let’s recall how difficult life and choices often were before we hit pandemics and political issues. Our trials and challenges serve to amplify our discomfort and can be an impetus for personal change, and in that way, both the pandemic and the politics have been useful.

What if the church no longer meets your needs? For many Christians in America, this is a valid and timely question. You and I both know the variables that lead to believing the church can’t be what it needs to be anymore, so, in order to shed light on a path forward, I’ve identified four points on which to reflect.

Reflections for When the Church Can’t Meet Your Needs

1. Identify your needs.

   Are your perceived needs something that are truly needed for spiritual growth, health, clarity, or rest?

   It is an auspicious practice to identify and clarify what our actual needs may be. Keep in mind that what you may need in this season is potentially not a necessity for your spouse, children, or others with whom you are in a close relationship. If 30 years of marriage have taught me anything, it’s that my needs are rarely in sync with those in my close circle and that sometimes I extend myself for them and at other times, they have extended themselves for me.

2. Ask yourself honest questions.

   Are my perceived needs really just preferences or desires? For example, a basic human need is readily accessible and healthy food, while a preference or desire is grilled chicken and a chocolate shake.

   Can these needs be met by the people in your life? The people in your church? Our deep inner needs aren't met by people. God often uses people as a conduit to providing what we need, but people are not the ultimate provisioner. Are we expecting people to do what only God can?

   The truth is, Jesus Christ is the place to start. The gospel meets the felt need. God himself ultimately satisfies the longing. If we’re just missing what we have always had in our western churches (i.e., cultural church paradigms as opposed to worship however God provides it for us), then we’re really longing for grilled chicken and chocolate shakes, not readily accessible and healthy food.

3. Provide yourself with honest answers.

   So, of course, it follows that if I'm looking to my church to meet my needs, I will not get the answers to my questions. If I'm expecting Jesus to meet my needs instead, I will find a path to deep, lasting change and fulfillment. That line of thinking leads to perhaps a more complex conundrum with which we must wrestle: Do I believe that “my God shall supply all my needs according to his riches in glory?”

   The Philippian church was encouraged to understand that their way of doing church wasn’t the answer, their church people weren’t the answer, their orthodoxy, orthopraxy, and theology weren’t the answer. Only God—God alone—would meet their needs. Certainly, Paul knew this personally as he wrote his letter to that church from a prison cell.

4. Be pliable.

   What if God means to meet our needs in ways we never could have anticipated?

   If you've been a follower of Jesus Christ for any amount of significant time, you might assume I'm being ironic. Because it's true, isn't it? Just remove the question mark: God means to meet our needs in ways we never could have anticipated. And then go ask anyone who has ever had to “do church” in a way that doesn’t look like America.

   Pliability as it relates to church choices and life may mean you’re being led away from what you’ve always known to be church. And what if that change means you are about to find out what the fullness of following Jesus really looks like?

My story of church life and culture may be different from yours in setting, characters, arc, and plot. I did the math recently and realized that the church I’ve been a part of for the past decade is the 17th church I’ve been involved in over the course of my life. 17th! That exposure to many different church norms might be very different from your experience.

Still, there is some reason you have had to drop your expectations for church, and it can no longer meet your needs at this time. Christian, this is more than okay. It is acceptable and right and may be exactly what God has for you in this moment. Can you identify your real need and allow God to do his work?

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